Confessions and Masquerade...

I am not looking for someone to love. I believe that life still offers me a lot to live on and live for... I don't have to ask for more, for something I don't have...

But there is a certain longing I feel inside. At the end of the day, I would feel this certain emptiness, this whole wing of nothingness...a whole in my heart, a lump. I would feel sick. It's like a plague that keeps striking me...a dream, a nightmare that keeps haunting me... never lets me sleep, never keep me in peace.

It has been nothing but tiring...wearing a mask, a facade that hides who I really am. More than anything, more than anyone can see --- that I am strong and intimidating, unaltered, determined, unshakeable --- I would have to admit that I am a coward...An unfeeling, insensitive and coward person. Ever heard of defense mechanism? If my life isn't that, what else can you call it?

I may appear to be free but I'm just a prisoner (borrowed lines from one of my fave artist Macy Gray)... I may appear to be strong, calm and composed but there is an undying revulsion inside of me just waiting for the perfect time to explode. I guess I just hate to admit that I need someone to make me live...just as the tree needs water, balloon needs the air. Before I sleep at night (or day) I would still think of one thing --- i wish i could find somene whom i could say "goodnight" to with a kiss... I wish I could ask someone to stay beside me...I wish I could ask someone to love me...But I just couldn't...Not for the scarcity of men or the chances --- I just couldn't find that someone.

And if there is a most tiring cliche and thing in the world --- that is waiting, longing...To sit and wait for something is really tiring. While you're doing nothing physically, you have your mind wondering and wandering...Never ending thinking, evaluating and analyzing...

Some people said I lost those chances by driving men away...Had I really?

Probably...If only for a personal message I received (friendster account)...that message belonged to someone I know so well...someone who WAS very special to me then...if only then he had found the courage to say those to me, something wonderful could've happened...but maybe he didn't have enough courage then or maybe I didn't show much interest in him, not enough encouragement... (whatever! )

Here's the song he had sent me :

There once was love thrown into your room
But you never knew
A calendar of days just for you
But you never knew, never knew no
And the truth that you'll find will always be
The truth you hide

So how do you love, how do you love
When your angels can't sing, and your world is still
Lacking of me

There once were eyes that only saw you
But you never knew
A portrait of a flower in full bloom
But you never knew, never knew no
And the words that you fear will always be
The words you hear

This space where you've been living
Has gifts you've never given
That's the face you always show
Ask me for words of wisdom
Tell me of your condition
I don't know, I don't
I don't know

And the truth that you'll find will always be
The truth you hide


Maybe I'm still too afraid to risk, to fall in love and take off my shield...


And when I finally did, I had to run away...



As I am always running away.




Why do I always run away???